thanks guys...

to all the people who have been reading my blog and tagging, thanks a lot, your comments mean a lot to me..

yifang, hongzhen, its times like this when i really miss u guys at hc.... love you both.... muack.

anyway, I'm happy now! haha retail therapy works like no other................

today, went out to buy many many stuff!!!!!!!!!! boosting singapore's economy like crazy.... first, went to this heartlander shop to look look see.... and then there was this super mini I tried on. haha my legs don't look like PIG TROTTERS! thanks to all those gym outings...... wenhan, you are a goddess..... will not pon gym outings anymore!!! haha but no gym to got to now since its school holidays. unfortunately my mum disapproved of that skirt and I bought a longer one....

then, went to buy omiyage(souvenir) for my host. can u guess what I bought?








MERLION CHOCOLATES!!!!!!!!! WITH HAZELNUT AND MACADAMIA....
hahaha funny right, I never knew there was something like that.. haha gives new meaning to the phrase "Uniquely Singapore"" haha! but i guess it probably won't be enough, shall go searching for more stuff come monday... that is, tomorrow...


anyway , a lot happened this week.... haha... went to the school's chamber concert. chamber ensemble is really good I must say, quite flawlessly executed (to me at least) and very good technique there. went there to talk to my ex :( cca mates now in hc, and my dear ny juniors but hai, i never did enjoy classical music immensely, despite being trained in it for about 11 years.. it doesn't make sense to watch people play music. I mean, why should u just listen to a polka, minuet, or even a jigg? as their names imply, these pieces are meant to be danced to, no sense just watching people play them, no matter how aesthetically appealing their musical spasms may be. in my opinion , concerts should have space to allow dancing haha, although i wonder how many will. it seems rather pompous of musicians to think that just listening to music would be very stimulating. it really depends on the kind of music, i guess. i seem to be rambling.. so i shall stop here....

pacify me

I've been pacified, but I'm not happy because I was.

Case closed to the last entry, can't say more about it because its supposed to be kept confidential lest the P reads about it as was subtly threatened. Somehow this gives new meaning to "ai bia jia eh ya". If we didn't "kick up a big fuss" would we have gotten the subsidy? It probably would have been swept under the carpet.

There was miscommunication and everything and we just have to leave it at that. All I can say is that we were accused of being accusatory. Can you see the irony? And scapegoats might have been found? maybe. I don't know. oh yeah, and we(especially me I guess being the mouthpiece) are now known as "a bunch of distressed girls who trudged down to the GO to kick up a big fuss about a simple matter". way to go girl. Grown-ups are scary.

MASSIVE PISSINESS (don't read if you can't stand whining)

All I can say is. SHIT.

everything sucks. This is the worst day ever.

The immersion programme we were talking about??????? Now it turns out that we have to pay 100% of the fees.

It happened like this.

Sensei "It turns out that everyone, including the scholars will have to pay for ALL their own expenses. This is because I just got notice that the MOE has stopped funding for all immersion programmes."

Huh????? What???????? Joudan desuka???????

Sensei " I only got the notice today although the admin side received the letter last december."

What the hell??????

Which means we have to pay for everything?????? Even though it was said during the lep briefing last year that if we got the scholarship all expenses(excluding airfare) would be paid for by MOE. Plus the fact that sensei has been reiterating this fact for the last few weeks? AND WHY THE HELL DO WE ONLY KNOW NOW WHEN THE BLOODY LETTER WAS RECEIVED FUCKING LAST YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is atrocious. It has been 5 months. Surely, even with the transitional state of the school shifting and all, we would have been able to get the news by at March? Or at the very least, after our scholarship result was announced. now we only have 7 days left what can we do??????

Of course we wouldn't have let the matter rest like that. 8 of us marched straight to the GO after jap class and demanded(sort of) an explanation.

me "We would like an explanation regarding why the information that MOE has cut off funding being disseminated to us only now when the letter reached the school in december?"

me "if we knew this earlier, so many other choices could be made, such as choosing another jc or other courses, which would directly affect our future "

(that was the gist of it, but could have been said in rather heated tones due to immense frustration)

the P and hod straight away zoomed in on my words "choosing another jc".

p "how could you say that when so many other people want to come to our school with its excellent holistic education"

hod "yes it makes us feel very sad to hear that"

hello??? have i been maligned or what?????????????? all i'm doing is just stating the possibilities. but even if yes, i came to rj only for jap (which i didn't), so what?????? I admit, lep was mainly the deciding factor when choosing between the two schools, but of course it wasn't the only reason. but even if so? is it fair to judge me just based on that? so what if a student only came for lep? one should choose a school based on the academic programme it offers, after all schools offer education, so what the hell is wrong in doing just that??????? so what if without the lep, one wouldn't go to this school? is it wrong to be pragmatic?? and who says everyone is dying to go to this school????? there are other factors like distance and school culture that affects ones decision not just a "holistic education", so how could u judge me based on that misunderstanding, even if it turned out to be true?? go talk to the wall lah. aiyo shit, the P knows my name now. I am a notorious student! ha! goodbye scholarships and everything.

anyway, we managed to get the admin to come up with a subsidy of 800 bucks. but then, it was discovered that sensei miscalculated the cost by about ANOTHER 800 BUCKS. so basically, even if we went, we would be paying the same price of 1700 bucks. and what of the non-scholars? 2500 bucks is quite a burden if one is not rich. even an additional 1000 bucks for scholars at such short notice is quite outrageous don't you think? when all we THOUGHT we had to pay was $770. It seems I have been hexed this year.

and what is wrong with MOE anyway??? isn't singapore all about building good bilateral relationships and foreign diplomacies? then what is all this crap about cutting funding for various immersion programmes? I demand an explanation! isn't it best to build ties between countries by starting from the youths? when prejudice of each other may not have been formed yet and thus good friendly relations would be much easier set up, which would then see one into adulthood, with one retaining a good impression of the host country even as a grownup.
AND WHY WEREN'T WE INFORMED? especially when in the application form for the scholarship, nothing of this cutting funding was stated. why is MOE so neow??????? aren't the children supposed to be your future? why do you scrimp on our education????? do you want education to be restricted to classrooms??? what double standards you practise.

we should band together and fight for our rights.

I think I should write to forum.

oh yeah. its my father's birthday today.

happy birthday, papa.

malacca.....

I'm back.... missed me much?

hmm, went to malacca over the long weekend. and i currently have a grand total of 19 mosquito bites (yes i counted) friggin mosquitoes ought to go to hell.

malacca is a sleepy town where most shops are closed by 8.30pm especially on weekdays. The only places to go to shop is jaya jusco and mahkoto parade which are basically your cookie-cutter shopping malls. and then there's some pasar malams that basically sell the same things down the whole street. hai. quite boring, just go back to visit relatives...

but at least there was the vesak day procession on saturday which consisted of various buddhist organisations marching down the street pushing mini floats with buddha and some chanting buddhist sutras. quite a surprise to see so many people in the procession considering that well, you hardly see crowds in malacca.

sometimes i really hate going to malacca. so strange to have to keep reacquainting myself with relatives that i see on an average of twice a year. i'm always a guest there while all my cousins are so at home, so malaysian while i'm known as the visitor from singapore. and not forgetting the long bus rides. but once the reacquainting is over i feel that i could live there forever. things are always static back in malacca, they hardly seemed to have changed with every visit. the only thing that reminds me that time has passed is how my little cousins have grown with each year. zhong zhong is getting to be quite the brat. haha but he's quite an entertainer for a 6 year old kid.

on vesak day we went to the temple. had to stand throughout the service because it started before it left and it seemed rude to leave while everyone was praying. its remarkably similar to the scene you would see in a church, just that the medium of worship is different. the atmosphere of reverence is omniscient. religion is a strange thing. chinese devotees chanting buddhist scriptures in pali, monks from sri lanka dousing us with holy water and tying blessed bands on our wrists. and then the act of kneeling and then donating rice to barefooted buddhists walking round with their arms(?) bowls. its all so ritualised. but what is the ultimated aim of all such ceremonious gestures? in the temple there was one quote on the wall that said something along the line of achieving deathlessness.

indeed it seems that most religion advocates deathlessness. in christianity, it is said that if one believes in christ, one can have everlasting life. in buddhism, it is said that nirvana can help one escape from the cycle of birth, old age, sickness and death. but is death a thing to be feared? I think not, I rather welcome the nothingness that I feel comes with death, the termination of all bodily mechanisms and an end to mortal worries. A final, lasting peace. embrace death, I say, embrace it.

11 DAYS MORE TO JAPAN!!

ah haha 11 days more to Japan!!!!!!!!!

Today, Sensei announced the schedule!!!!!!! The whole class got so excited!!!!!!!! ME TOO!!!! Haha so happy today that nothing could spoil my day, not even xixun acting like a brat. :P:P

Taking a night flight to Japan on 31 May at 11.55pm. Reaching kansai international airport aat 7.20am the next day and then taking a bus to Kobe! I think I shall sleep all the way on the flight and on the bus. For some strange reason, I sleep very easily on moving vehicles, maybe because it simulates me being in mummy's womb. Anyway, we're staying in Kobe Plaza Hotel which according to the website is FIVE STAR cool!

Then on the 2nd of June, sight seeing in Kyoto... Hmm, is this where the geishas are? I wanna see geishas!!!!!!! Then 3rd going to Kobe High School, that signifies the start of the immersion programme..... Oh man, I'm going to live in a stranger's house for 4 days!!!!!!!!! My japanese cannot make it... I am so dead. Ahaha but I hope my host is good looking and has good looking siblings! I love looking at nature's works of art...... be it male or female.... I believe if one looks at beautiful people and thinks beautiful thoughts, one will become beautiful too. Which explains the list of beautiful people I have on hand... haha hey, i'm not boy-crazy hor, I don't discriminate between sexes one....

After 4 days of homestay, we will then take shinkansen bullet train to tokyo!!! woohoo!!!! fast like bullet! then we will have sight seeing.... on the 9th we go to DISNEYLAND!!!!!! AHH KINGDOM OF DREAMS AND FANCIES!!!!!!! actually, been there done that but no harm going again.....

then we will split up into two groups to go to either makuhari or shibuya high school on the 10th.... ooh separation anxiety. another 4 days of homestay, where we aren't allowed to contact sensei (hmm wonder what's he up to). I hope i don't get sick! I shall pon PE next week so I won't get injured. ahahah fake a cramp. hmm but it would be weird if all the jap people (6 of us) in class faked cramps, including the guys haha.

on the 14th, we leave the respective host schools and then go to waseda university! One of the top universities in Japan. Then its sight-seeing again..

15th, visit wagashi factory YUMMY. get to learn how to make and EAT. EAT. MWAHAHA.

Finally, on the 16th, we leave Japan. sobs.

When I'm there, I must breathe Japan, think Japan, speak Japan dress Japan be Japan!!!!!!!! After all, don't call it an immersion programme for nothing..... Yingting is going to spend like crazy! Everyone should too!!!! you see, if we spent, we would be boosting japan's economy, then once Japan's economy recovers and is once again at the forefront of world economy, japanese companies will rise in economic value and of course people who speak japanese LIKE ME, would have a higher value on the job market. ah haha. what goes around comes around.

Yingting and I are going on a diet. We call it "The Last Supper Menu". haha sounds like we are going to die. anyway, it consists of soups soups and more soups. shall come up with a detailed list of foods soon. look good for japan! gonna start wearing my contacts next week so that i look nice in photos! oh shit, what am I doing up so late, panda eyes will haunt me....

shall go sleep now!

bitch

well.

I wouldn't call myself mean. More like candid. But I'm sorry, there are some instances that make me want to unleash the dormant bitch. She's been hiding inside somewhere ever since her eruption during the primary school days on an undeserving Q. Sorry Q for being mean when your only fault was....

Anyway, I admit. I was a mean girl in younger days. Mean with a capital M. Picked on quite a few people who tread on my toes. First there was K -bug. Her name started with a silent K. Poor girl. The whole class had her ostracised. Why? She liked to dig her nose publically in class, fail to wash her hands after the deed and subsequently was marginalised due to her poor hygiene habits. "here comes k bug!" "don't let her get her hands on u!" "got pi sai!" such comments usually accompanied with hand gestures that mimicked k-bug touching someone with her sullied hands.(huiwen remember?)

Then there was the BFG(Big fat ganti), was what some used to call her. i didn't call her that though, knew what it was like to be fat. she wasn't really an outcast, but generally disliked, because she was bossy whiny and fat to boot. funny how fat seems a crime when one is unliked.

Then there was Q. He liked to stare at me, and for some reason, liked to neglect his duty at the side gate to come join me and huiwen at the main gate when we were prefects. Made me feel uncomfortable, too close for comfort. so i was mean to him. gave him a bad nickname, and generally showed my disgust whenever he was in the proximity. Then I reflected on my actions and felt he was undeserving of my treatment. Guilt followed and the bitch was leashed.

Then there are people who make the bitch strain against its shackles. Generally, such people tend to have repulsive laughter, are mean(the irony!) to people who are nicer to them than they deserve, like to eavesdrop on conversations, and like to stare unflinchingly(sorry bad experience from Q). Unsuspecting fools who tread on dangerous grounds. If you fit the above description, keep your distance. The bitch wants a bite.

silver lining

I will soon be a scholar. as soon as I hand in the letter of acceptance. Wow, can you believe it? me a scholar? I felt a rush just writing my name on that line that says "scholar's name(in block letters)". Everything seems fine again. I am not that much of a loser. I have achieved something. strange how a piece of paper has the power to decide one's mood and emotions. I was in mixed feelings because unfortunately, not the entire class got the scholarship.. on what yardstick did they judge us with? she definitely deserves the scholarship, on merit of her utmost passion for japanese. I was quite pained to see her sobbing in disappointment and did what I could to comfort her. It seems she is experiencing feelings of inferiority and waves of doubt, that just a week ago plagued me. I can fully empathise with what she's feeling and my heart really goes out to her. RJ seriously is a very competitive environment. I hope she gets over it soon. jiayou!

on a lighter note, 14 days and one hour more to JAPAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't wait! bishounen! bishoujo! I'm coming! I hope government will sponsor airfare this year!!!!!!! haha then I can spend more on souvenirs!!!!!! wahahahahaha......... aiyo why government so kiam one, budget this budget that. japan government last time sponsor everything some more...... I hope SIA suddenly feels like doing cip and then decide to sponsor us RAFFLES CLASS TICKETS. after all, we are from raffles hor? don't sit raffles class sit what? on the wings ar......

school library damn cold

hmm. in school library now blogging... well, good stuff and bad stuff happened today... still in mixed feelings.. more about that later. haha chat so much with wenhan xixun and donna that i didn't manage to get any work down. bleagh. but nvm, its so much more meaningful to get to know more about your friends than just mug. later.

home alone

hmm... according to my "astrological weight at birth" :
"There is great potential for you to achieve abundance even though you may be lacking in family luck. As you have little affinity with your parents, it is better for you to live apart from them. Staying with an uncle or aunt may be a good idea. Place a crystal cluster in the part of your home where the mountain star 8 sector is. This will activate your family luck and your relationship with your parents. "

that was my cheena horoscope. wah kau. abundance? in what sense? i'm certainly lacking in the $$$$, IQ and looks department . bleagh... haha affinity with parents? i think i have enough? not accurate! well, considering the fact that they've left me home alone on a SUNDAY EVENING to go look at horses..... well maybe.... and where the heck is the "mountain star 8 sector"!!!!!!

here's the angmoh horoscope:

Quickie:Take some solo time and enjoy your own company. Others are too complicated.

Overview:Everyone will be acting unpredictably now -- even you, if you're angry. Resist the urge to leap into your vehicle and speed away from the scene of the argument. Be safe. Take a cab or hire a designated driver.

so is it a good thing that i'm alone on a SUNDAY EVENING?? bah. somebody talk to me!!! yes i am acting unpredictably. i actually did my homework on a sunday afternoon. because no one want to go out with me......... bleagh. well well thank goodness for blogging. better than talking to the wall. or my reflection. bah.

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

well its has been an exciting week.

first, went to the gym on friday. wenhan's stamina is damn good. she jog for about 40 min on the treadmill. wow, i only did like 10 min and was dying. haha then i did weights, my thigh muscles still hurt now, but what the heck no pain no gain. well at least i did some exercise. want to lose weight so that i can look good when in japan. 18 more days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

went to waseda shibuya high school in singapore on friday. harhar it resulted in a frozen smile plastered on my face throughout the whole trip. but well, how does one make small talk with strangers, particularly those of a different breed? well i must say being in an environment filled with japanese emphasises my singaporeaness. despite learning japanese for 5 years, i find myself none the closer to understanding the japanese people. hell, i don't even understand myself. anyway, the whole programme consisted of us getting shown around the school, then going for a traditional japanese tea ceremony demonstration, then a mini party of sorts where we all stand around and smile and make small talk.

hmm we were shown around by 3 guides, hiro, ryu and what's his name and 3 other girls. only hiro and what's his name talked to us mostly haha. and u know what? THEY HAVE A BLOODY OBSERVATORY IN THEIR SCHOOL!!!! HOW COOL IS THAT??wow like u know, a hubble telescope looking thing. and the pictures show that u can actually see the moon's face with that state of art telescope haha. well nothing amazing about the moon, it actually looks like my face close up with all the craters, and well if u want a glimpse just take a look at me. haha.

haha and they have very cool basketballers. reminds me of slam dunk. and the girls' skirts are SHORT. if they bent down they would be at high risk of outraging their own modesties. and turning into unknowing flashers. their skirts are practically half my rj skirt's length. my nanyang skirt could make 3 of their skirts. perhaps they are keeping in line with conservation, trying to preserve resources haha, after all, japan's green technology is very much advanced. imagine me wearing such a short skirt. oh man, miss piggy comes to mind. after all, what i'll be revealing in such a short skirt would not be to-die-for legs but a pair of pig trotters, so i'll keep my skirts long thank u.

then during the tea ceremony, quite a sight. they have a very nice sadou room, with tatami mats and japanese slides and everything. haha and well they have to bow after serving everything, including the wagashi and the tea itself. (thanks meisiew for giving me your wagashi! haha i'm a glutton.) one girl bowed so low i felt so embarassed, after all, its not like i'm royalty or anything, don't deserve such reverent bowing. it seems, japanese really have the art of serving down to a pat.

then it was the exchange. hai.... awkward silence abounds. luckily i had xixun to depend on to do all the talking while i punctuated the conversations with hmms and ohs. and well timed smiles. ryu san is so shy. he sweat so much(in an aircon room!) he looked like he took a shower. haha poor guy, one japanese talking to 6 singaporeans. and his friends didn't come to save him. unfortunately, for both him and the other girls. he felt very intimidated i guess, well but we were very friendly, he was just very shy. then we took many photos with the japanese i felt like some sort of movie star. haha felicia is dying for photos of one particular cutie. hubba hubba. hai i should have brought a camera....

finally we went for dinner... why is it that when i go for dinner with them we always take a long time to find a eatery or whatever then end up eating fast food. I ABHOR FAST FOOD. IT IS THE CAUSE OF ALL MY BLOODY WEIGHT PROBLEMS. haha not really, just looking for something to blame other then myself. hmm jo talked about shit as usual. haha VERY interesting ways of torture i must say. sadistic but immensely funny like happy tree friends. hilarious. hai, but bitching is bad. but fun. hai.. what a conundrum. hito no waruguchi suru wa dame. but so fun~~~~! i am such a hypocrite. but aren't we all? such is the duality of the human race. as usual, dennis and i punctuated the conversation with hmms and oohs and short bursts of laughter. what else was i supposed to do? talk and steal her thunder? haha talking about shit is therapeautic for her i guess though i got a bit bored just talking about shit. but sometimes its weird that we like talking about the people we hate. we spend so much time hating them we might as well love them. weird thought. love thy neighbour?

well that was the end of quite an exciting day. haha finally i have something interesting to blog about.

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I think I shall go to the temple to pray this weekend as Robin suggested.

another setback.

nothing seems to be working out for me. even my one last chance to prove myself a non-loser, the Japanese Speech Contest, has been taken from me. Bleagh. Am I really that lousy? Meisiew comforted me by saying that its ok since I've already taken part for 2 years past and gotten 3rd both times. Which makes it an even greater blow. Because the last 2 years I seemed to have breezed through all the rounds, and now I can't even get to semi-finals? Where's the logic? Yes, its true that this year's competition is much stiffer, that since everyone in A level jap was made to join the contest, the quality of scripts ought to have gone up. But haven't I improved too? I certainly hope so.

This seems to be a bumpy year, when the past few years of my life was relatively smooth-sailing, what I wanted, I got, but now, everything I covet seems to slip from my grasp. Let's look back. Last year, I got into I was president of string ensemble, got 3rd for Jap speech contest. 3 years back, got through council interviews( even though I said I didn't want it during the interview) but withdrew. And then in primary school, became head prefect even though I said I didn't want to be, and even when I wasn't even vice head prefect the previous year. Achievements seemed to have been heaped upon me without me going the distance of procuring these items but now, when I truly desire, the opposite happens. I think I really need to stop living in past glory and return to the reality of here and now. The reality that tells me I am a loser who cannot achieve anything, someone who cannot be somebody.

It seems everything went downhill ever since I my O level results came out last year. I was so disappointed that I didn't get an A1 for Japanese last year cause Jap has always been my pillar of support. No matter how badly I did for the other subjects, I could always count on scoring well for Japanese. Perhaps the A2 for Japanese was a sign. A sign that maybe I shouldn't have taken A level jap, a sign that I shouldn't have come to RJ, a sign that perhaps, HC could have been the better school for me. And a sign that maybe, I should have signed up for the Humanities Programme in HC instead of LEP in RJ. Maybe I should have stuck with literature. I'm starting to get confused. The road ahead seems out of focus and the future seems bleak. How long will this last?

I am out of sync. I feel a different person. I need to find the other me back. The me who laughed more freely, the me who didn't frown so often, the me who wasn't always so tense, so worried. The carefree me. The one who didn't care about all these, and lived life fearlessly. Where is she I wonder?

a chinese poem! by me!

忧郁。

说不出的悲哀
说不出的沮丧
你能听到我的心声吗？
埋在笑颜下的怒气
无发泄的隙缝
这与心灵共枕的恶魔
咬着猎物不放
灵魂默默的挣扎
等待化为雪花般的蝴蝶
飞出自由之们
寻找充满信服的禁猎区。

888888888888888888

没有理由的忤逆

为何会有焦躁
为何会有懊恼
疑问不停环绕
心充满不知道
你给我的依靠
一声呼喝毁掉
但理由说不了
往内心深处跑
瑟缩，待天破晓。

888888888888

以上的两诗可能不是写的很好， 但反映出以前内心的不安所以为了保留它们就放在这里。

swoon

Been reading Angela Carter's "The Bloody Chamber" these few days. Quite a good book, very sensual, not forgetting the beautiful language and dash of dark humour. I truly recommend it. Read it if you have time, and savour the nitty gritty details of it. Its a parody of fairy tales, somewhat, albeit with more gore and sex, but still quite enjoyable. I don't know why, but I have always enjoyed reading fairy tales, I can't figure out why, maybe because of the happy endings? But the irony of it is that my favourite, The Little Mermaid, is one of the minority that ends in a tragedy.

Anyway back to the book at hand. Phrase of the day:

"she's the divinity he's come to worship."

Oh let me swoon. How passionate is that? Ah, love with a fervour and desperation just warms me to the toes. Somehow, when I read this phrase, I was reminded of a certain scene that I chanced upon today at Woodlands Terminal. Well, there was this teenage couple walking together. The laces of one of the girl's sneakers came off. And do you know what the guy did????????







He kneeled down before her and promptly tied it for her. No shame, no embarassment in such an act of servitude. I thought, "What kind of wuss is he?? Can't the girl tie her own shoelace?" I scrutinised the girl and realised that she was wearing a denim mini skirt that is all the rage this days, and bending over to tie her shoelace in that would risk her modesty. What sensitivity this guy has! So well-attuned to the needs of his girlfriend and so willing to help and support her. I know, its just tying up a bloody shoelace but I think such a gesture speaks volumes. Don't you feel that actually kneeling down in front of someone symbolises submission, servitude, respect and even reverence? Like in the old days, where subjects have to bow or even kneel before royalty, in both western and eastern civilisations. So I guess the act of kneeling is quite universal in the message it conveys. And for a guy to actually kneel down before the girl just for the simple act of tying her shoelace, in a crowded area no less, I think it shows the humility that he has, the willingness to cast aside his male pride to be, simply, at her service. AH! Chivalry is alive!

I admit, I am a feminist. I do not need guys to open doors for me; I am perfectly well equipped to do so. I do not need guys to carry my heavy stuff for me if I can manage it. I do not appreciate being viewed as so weak to the point that I need someone to help me with everything. I do not, and cannot. It just defeats the purpose of having equality of the sexes. But well sometimes, seeing the act of chivalry in itself does really touch the feminine heart. I guess its something of the Cinderella complex. It usually refers to those successful career women who at the end of the day, all they want is to submit to and obey their male counterpart. And be a "xiao2 nu3 ren2" in other words, for lack of words in english. I'm probable guilty of that. I mean, who doesn't one to be pampered and loved? Who doesn't want to leave all their troubles to their partner in assurance that it all will be taken care of? But I think such actions should be mutual. A relationship shouldn't be one-sided or else both parties are not on equal standing in my opinion.

Haha, but who am I to be the authority on relationships when I have never been in one? So well, let me leave so I can indulge in fairy tale fantasies.

"Away before me to sweet beds of flowers!
Love thoughts lie rich when canopied with bowers." -Shakespeare, Twelfth Night

:)

hmm. Feeling happier today.

It seems school has an healing effect on me. Probably because it makes me busy and keeps dark thoughts at bay. Hmm I think I'm quite a worrywart. Hahaha. Have always been one and always will be. I recall the days in primary school where I would be really anxious just for not bringing some stupid penmanship worksheet to school to hand in. Seems to me teachers were really scary then. It wasn't really them shouting at me that I feared, but it was the reprimanding look in their eyes, of expectations unmet and disappointment. Haha. I used to be a teacher's pet you know? Actually took pride in it. Favouritism is good if it works to your advantage. :)

shall blog in chinese

大家好。今天我将以华文来写随笔。哈哈。随笔。想当年，最讨厌的功课就是写随笔，如今我尽然自讨苦吃。最近似乎患上了轻微的忧郁症。做什么是都遇到挫折。人生就是这样的。有起伏才刺激。我看一定是犯太岁没去庙拜拜所以才会这么倒霉。算了熬过今年就没事了。李玺熏！不要可怜我！我是顽强的，不用为我操心。

这几天虽然是公共假期但一直呆在家里无所事事。要做功课确绞尽脑只都想不出怎么解开数学公式。我真是笨。又丑又笨的大肥猪！有时我真的很讨厌自己。要出门散散心都没人陪。朋友都到哪儿去了。或许我连一个真实的朋友都没有吧。想想看我这个人一点长处也没有，没有吸引人的地方，难怪找不到知己。算了，反正我早已习惯孤单的滋味。苦苦涩涩的味道耐人寻味。孤独，我的终生伴侣。

fighter

argh. lost that blog there. have to start over

as i was saying, I have no life; am struggling to get by. Well its a jungle out here, to put it succinctly and the jungle rule applies. Survival of the fittest. And its sad to say that I'm not one of them. In a certain premier school in the Bishan-Angmokio area, and seventeen year old freshman is trying to find her foothold, her niche amidst the stifling competition. The future seems bleak. Could this be just a prelude to her adult world, just hovering somewhere around the corner? The harsh reality of the concrete jungle scares her and the once fearless has turned into a cowering weakling, emerging a loser in each challenge, her distaste for reaching out slowly increasing with each lost battle. This training ground has her running. Renowned for churning out victorious warriors, adroit in their (academic and co-curricular) skills, the losers are shunned here. There is no place for them. And she too is one of them.

She is in a conundrum; a quandary: To fight or flight? But the answer is obvious. It is too late for flight, which leaves us with the former choice. But the fighter in her has taken shelter in the recesses of her heart, carefully nursing battle wounds. For now, the coward is in control as the fighter waits to heal. Before she returns once again, as a butterfly from its cocoon, carefully spun for maximum protection. This period is one of metamorphis. And we await the emergence of the fighter, fully healed, in all her brilliant splendour, the fire once again ablaze in her eyes. We await.

:(

wow I blogged
that was quite a nice blog if I do say so myself. It seems I've still got my literary muscle, its just gone a little flabby due to lack of exercise. I really have no life. I blogged! That says a lot. And I have so many better things to do. Things I don't particularly enjoy. But are mandatory. Sigh.