another setback.
nothing seems to be working out for me. even my one last chance to prove myself a non-loser, the Japanese Speech Contest, has been taken from me. Bleagh. Am I really that lousy? Meisiew comforted me by saying that its ok since I've already taken part for 2 years past and gotten 3rd both times. Which makes it an even greater blow. Because the last 2 years I seemed to have breezed through all the rounds, and now I can't even get to semi-finals? Where's the logic? Yes, its true that this year's competition is much stiffer, that since everyone in A level jap was made to join the contest, the quality of scripts ought to have gone up. But haven't I improved too? I certainly hope so.
This seems to be a bumpy year, when the past few years of my life was relatively smooth-sailing, what I wanted, I got, but now, everything I covet seems to slip from my grasp. Let's look back. Last year, I got into I was president of string ensemble, got 3rd for Jap speech contest. 3 years back, got through council interviews( even though I said I didn't want it during the interview) but withdrew. And then in primary school, became head prefect even though I said I didn't want to be, and even when I wasn't even vice head prefect the previous year. Achievements seemed to have been heaped upon me without me going the distance of procuring these items but now, when I truly desire, the opposite happens. I think I really need to stop living in past glory and return to the reality of here and now. The reality that tells me I am a loser who cannot achieve anything, someone who cannot be somebody.
It seems everything went downhill ever since I my O level results came out last year. I was so disappointed that I didn't get an A1 for Japanese last year cause Jap has always been my pillar of support. No matter how badly I did for the other subjects, I could always count on scoring well for Japanese. Perhaps the A2 for Japanese was a sign. A sign that maybe I shouldn't have taken A level jap, a sign that I shouldn't have come to RJ, a sign that perhaps, HC could have been the better school for me. And a sign that maybe, I should have signed up for the Humanities Programme in HC instead of LEP in RJ. Maybe I should have stuck with literature. I'm starting to get confused. The road ahead seems out of focus and the future seems bleak. How long will this last?
I am out of sync. I feel a different person. I need to find the other me back. The me who laughed more freely, the me who didn't frown so often, the me who wasn't always so tense, so worried. The carefree me. The one who didn't care about all these, and lived life fearlessly. Where is she I wonder?
This seems to be a bumpy year, when the past few years of my life was relatively smooth-sailing, what I wanted, I got, but now, everything I covet seems to slip from my grasp. Let's look back. Last year, I got into I was president of string ensemble, got 3rd for Jap speech contest. 3 years back, got through council interviews( even though I said I didn't want it during the interview) but withdrew. And then in primary school, became head prefect even though I said I didn't want to be, and even when I wasn't even vice head prefect the previous year. Achievements seemed to have been heaped upon me without me going the distance of procuring these items but now, when I truly desire, the opposite happens. I think I really need to stop living in past glory and return to the reality of here and now. The reality that tells me I am a loser who cannot achieve anything, someone who cannot be somebody.
It seems everything went downhill ever since I my O level results came out last year. I was so disappointed that I didn't get an A1 for Japanese last year cause Jap has always been my pillar of support. No matter how badly I did for the other subjects, I could always count on scoring well for Japanese. Perhaps the A2 for Japanese was a sign. A sign that maybe I shouldn't have taken A level jap, a sign that I shouldn't have come to RJ, a sign that perhaps, HC could have been the better school for me. And a sign that maybe, I should have signed up for the Humanities Programme in HC instead of LEP in RJ. Maybe I should have stuck with literature. I'm starting to get confused. The road ahead seems out of focus and the future seems bleak. How long will this last?
I am out of sync. I feel a different person. I need to find the other me back. The me who laughed more freely, the me who didn't frown so often, the me who wasn't always so tense, so worried. The carefree me. The one who didn't care about all these, and lived life fearlessly. Where is she I wonder?
posted by cosmo_surfer at 6:14 AM
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